I don’t know where I lost it. Somewhere along the way.
I want to blame Big Internet for this. For Livejournal dying, for Dreamwidth not being given a fair shake, for exchanging thoughtful musings for 250 characters of quick, half-formed thoughts. For forums being replaced with – what, Reddit? – and for the raw, honest exchange being pushed to the ultimate margins.
And a part of it is my fault as well. I lost contact with so many of my online friends – whom I had made through roleplaying forums, and later, Discords focused on roleplaying – once I started to feel that pull to work on my own writing, solo. I was alone, foolishly thinking I could sustain my own creativity without others – or even without expressing myself outwardly on the ‘Net, as if that hadn’t been what had kept me going all my life.
I wish dearly I could find my old websites – blogs where I rambled about Naruto and Teen Titans and my obsession with Riku from Kingdom Hearts. I spent a stupid amount of time wondering if anyone would read a crossover fanfic where I shipped Riku with Sasuke. I never wrote it.
But I did write an unhinged AU fanfic of Axel and Roxas, where Axel was part of a gang and he had left it – but No One Leaves The Gang, so they kidnapped Roxas…? The gang obviously was Org XIII. And so Axel and Riku go on One Last Job to take Roxas back. Oh my god. I’d kill to find that fic again. There’s a scene where Larxene shoots Marluxia in the dick, I swear to fucking god. I thought that was so funny at 16. But I was also low key embarrassed of it, so while my friends loved it, I just posted it to our forum and didn’t dare upload it on my FanFiction.net account. Please don’t judge me…!
All this to say, I’ve always felt the best when I’ve been deeply entrenched in fandom – when I’ve allowed myself to get obsessive about things, to think about my favorite media and pontificate on them, to let myself read some goddamn fanfic of my favorite ships and really get deep in that shit. I used to fuck heavy with AMVs, gushing with fans on forums where we’d talk about our fav ships and ‘What do you think will happen next…?’
I’ll never forget when I was discussing the chuunin exams (Naruto) and accidentally got spoiled for the Neji and Hinata fight by someone who had seen the Japanese dub already. ‘What?! There’s no way - that didn’t happen!’ This old timer (I regret deeply that I forgot his name) just laughed at me and taught me how to sail the high seas. On an early 2000s ProBoard post. I may have forgotten your name, but I’ll never forget you, mate.
Good memories, greater friends, and forgotten, helpful ghosts… How did I replace all of that with work and isolation? How did I ostracize myself from fandom, from obsession, from the Net?
There is a madness that takes over you in your late-20s – or at least, it did for me – where I felt that I was running out of time. It was 2020 – I remember being 27 and wondering in amazement at myself, why I hadn’t finished a book, or at least a collection of short stories, or at least a collection of poems – why hadn’t I printed something to show for it, for all the pummeled keyboards I had poured myself into all my life? I think that was the start of it – the idea that I needed to make something of my talent, that pouring all this time into roleplaying just wasn’t It for me anymore. And yet, I don’t have anything to show for it - for all those years I was supposed to be focused on my art, spent in loneliness.
So, I guess this whole blog post is my way of saying, WE ARE SO BACK. I’m here, Expressing Myself on the Internet ONCE AGAIN!! I don’t have words for how much I’ve missed blogging and rambling about all of my favs – and it comes at a point in my life where I’m truly prioritizing engaging with media that feeds my soul. The hope that I find from Lord of the Rings, the cozy adventures and feasts of Redwall, the adventure and excitement from questing as a Warrior of Light in Final Fantasy XIV…
Neocities feels like such a breath of fresh air, so I had to make a first post just sort of… thanking it for existing. Now, I’m ready to just put myself out there again. Focus on the art that fuels me, obsess about all the things I love, and – oh, you guessed it – read some goddamn fanfics again!!
From an excitable bun, full of cheer and good mirth,
Kiri, of the Book Bunny Burrow